"BEING SELFISH IS NOT EASY"
59 yrs of age and I often think that I will drink my piping hot tea, complete my novel at one go, drink to my glory every night, dress up without bothering what others think and live up to my mood swings but surrounded with friends n families, responsibilities I was never aloof to do all these things.
59 yrs of age and I often think that I will drink my piping hot tea, complete my novel at one go, drink to my glory every night, dress up without bothering what others think and live up to my mood swings but surrounded with friends n families, responsibilities I was never aloof to do all these things.
We bath in closed walls, dream with shut eyes, sleep in dark, for everything the nature or the society has created a right kind of atmosphere but when it comes to an individual the society fails at large. We are always interested in others matters, even if we are alone we are not alone as many eyes are seeing us, bothered about our activities.
I am a early riser and love to take morning walk at around 5 o clock, the morning silence is so profound that I can hear my heart beat when I do brisk walk, I enjoy my space, the cool breeze, the lush green trees, sleeping guards, parked cars, everything around me is resting, un-disturbed and free from noise pollution.
I enjoy my one hour of walk and while I was walking towards the lift I was disturb by this lady, she said excuse me in a very thin voice, I turned back to have a look at her, apple shape body, hair tied in pony tail, shoes and mobile in one hand…I always wonder why do people want to connect to the world so much that they carry mobiles at early morning walks, to the bathrooms, even while eating… is it so important to be in constant connect with the world, if for 24 hours we are with everyone then when we are with our own selves, any ways coming back to the lady,
“excuse me aunty, I am new to this society, its been 4 months and past 2 months I am seeing you going for a walk, if you don’t mind can I join you for morning walk, by the way my self meena”
I so wanted to say no for the company, but I couldn’t as she is new and very sweetly she asked me, if I say no what she will think of me. without thinking much I said yes and was about to leave again she stopped me and asked “your name and flat no I will intercom you” early morning the noise of the phone will kill the sublime silence of my house, any ways giving the required information i finally made a move.
next morning i got up at 4:45 as usual and was getting ready to go for a walk the intercom rang, i ran from my room to the drawing room so that my family should not get disturb, she called to ask whether i am coming for a walk or not, i so wanted to shout on her but was not able to as i didn’t want to spoil her enthusiasm for morning walk with me and plus at this age a short run from room to drawing room also gives knee pain.
we started walking, she was chatting constantly with me, from maids, to schools, to society, to husbands every tiny detail of her life in which i was not at all interested. for me passing that one hour was so difficult, this thing continued for 15 days or so and finally i said no for walk, she felt bad but i couldn’t tolerate the morning high energy talks, i stopped going for walk, after many days when meena met me near car parking i smiled at her, she smiled back and left, I know if i we have continued walking she would have come to me and talked for hours but she felt bad, i lost a good neighbor.
Anyways we lose we won life moves on, my son got married, love marriage, beautiful and educated girl, working as my son always want a professional partner, i sometimes laugh that in india marriage is seen as a business, if the boy is dr he wil search for a dr wife, why cant he marry a teacher, because if both are dr they will understand the demands of the profession but one doesn’t understand that if both are from same field then they will not have time for each other, anyways my son is soft ware engineer and he found himself a soft engineer, the very good reason he gave to me is,
“mom she is in the same office, we save on commuting, and as we are same field we can settle abroad comfortably and can get good jobs”
.. not once he told me that she cooks good food, she will take care of you when you will become to old, at once he became selfish and didn’t even bothered to ask me whether i like the girl or not.. however the marriage took place and another day they fly for honeymoon, leaving the old parents to take care of the house with all mess and relatives.
when they return from honeymoon they bought goodies for us which didn’t interest me at all still i appreciated what they bought for me and his father. the next morning i got up early and cooked breakfast, both my son and daughter in law left for office leaving the empty plates on the table for this old lady to clean, i cooked the food for evening, all my son’s favorite dishes, but as soon as he entered he asked me to get ready for a movies and dinner outside, i objected by saying that i already cook the food, but with his arms around me, he tightly hugged me and said “mom plz don’t spoil the mood”
i said ok, the food was left on table and while i was wearing a sari my daughter in law said “mom we are going for a movie not marriage, plz change into some decent sari”,
with questions in my eyes i looked at my son, wanting him to say that my mom is looking fine, but he said “darling now you have come, i am sure you will change her style, bring some decent new saris for her”
they both laughed and left the room, past 36 yrs of my marriage i am wearing these clothes, when he was a kid i taught him what to wear and which color to wear with whom and now they are doubting my sense of dressing. for once i felt like saying no but i didn’t said anything, changed into a decent cotton sari and started for the theater. We reached the theater the movie started and from start to end i dont know what happen, the romance in our days was so soft and subtle and now a days its on the face in short the movie was horrible, and the Chinese food… why the kids were doing the favor on us by taking us for a movie of not our choice and food which we never tasted. why cant they agree to a fact that this lifestyle of ours is not of today and we are living this life past 50 yrs and now we cant change ourselves.
we reached home, i started putting back the food in the fridge and told my daughter in law that i will give you this food for lunch, she said “don’t pack for me as i don’t eat so much oily food”
i wanted to ask her the Chinese food which she ate was prepared in water.. any ways i know we have to adjust as he is the only child.. the yrs passed by and our daughter in law was blessed with a baby girl, i was very happy seeing my grand daughter, but this happiness didn’t last for long time, my daughter in law started her job after 3 months of her delivery and gave me the responsibility of the child, 24 hours maid was sitting on my head, cook was their, i don’t have to do anything just take care of the baby, 30 yrs of my marriage life and 27 yrs of my mother hood was enough for me, i didn’t want to wash panties any more, didn’t want to feed the child, was not ready for sleepless nights and sterilize bottles and preparing milk, how could my son even think of all this?
this is my old age and now when my joints are in immense pain instead of giving me a massage they expect me to massage their child. I did everything what i didn’t want to but instead of appreciation i was made to hear that the bottles are not sterilize properly, the baby stomach is upset and the reason is milk which is not prepared according to the instruction given on the milk powder packet…
tears rolled down my eyes while i was putting the baby back to sleep.. i never imagined my life to be this, i so wanted to shout and open up but i cant, i don’t know what was stopping me, its just that my family is just these 3 people and i want to keep them happy .
one fine day my son informed me that they are going to US for 5 yrs, inside i was very happy as living with them was making me feel not less than a maid, they went to US and i was feeling like a queen in my home. But it is said we don’t have to welcome sorrow it automatically finds your address, just after 6 months my husband got unwell, blockages in the arteries, i called my son and briefed him about his father condition expecting that he will come, he said “mom i will send you the money, take him to the good hospital and just take care, i cant come”
i cried a lot that night, the father who use to wake up all night long for the son who was not well even if he was tired, today the son doesn’t have time for him, anyways my husbands operation was done in the best hospital and my son use to call regularly, but my life became hell, in todays world everything is possible if you r cash rich. you can get all comforts but you cant get a single shoulder to cry, the old age is a bad age if you dont have ur family around, for every small thing my husband became depend on me, i cant even sit for a while, sometimes i use to fight but i knew its all in vain, he is patient and now he is only on medicine, so i have to do the work.
After 5 yrs of open heart surgery he died of an heart attack. i called my son and informed him but he could not come as it was a recession period and he need to hold on his job. Having a own son still the cremation was done by other family member, i kept quite and didn’t weep a lot. i was habituated of him but past many yrs i lost that love and intimacy for him. I didn’t call my son and didn’t even complain at all. after all the prayers which needed to be offered after some one demise was completed, the relatives were gone and i sat quietly at my balcony and was happy that now i have time for my self. but some where in my heart i really wished that why didn’t i force my self to be selfish, i wouldn’t have to wait for this solitude for long.
I entered the drawing room and reached for the book shelves, searched for the novel which i must have bought to read but couldn’t get the time, got the novel, prepared the tea and sat on my lounge chair for a nice read and suddenly the door bell.
The door was opened with the help of labour and her son, he was constantly ringing the bell but she didn’t open the door as she was passed away, the tea was piping hot and novel was in her hand…….being selfish is not easy ….
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SOURCE BY-ANNU ANAND
PUBLISHED BY-OURHELLO.COM
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